Question? Worry? Enjoyment!

Okay, question period.

Lately I've been thinking about my future, what I want from it, what I want to do and how I want to be. I've come up with a few things, the generic; successful, well off, and to be quite frank, very materialistic. That, then got me thinking as to why I was so very focused on having "things." Is it because I didn't have them when I was small, smaller then I am now? Or, is it because that is what society expects of me? Is being happy and not having a lot of "things" make you a lower class of human being?

It really struck a chord with me, but I know what I want to be...

I can't even really write it down, well type it, because I, myself, am questioning whether or not it is truly what I want.

I am not sure if this is because I am still feeling a little lonely, or if it's because of my age and maturity.
I can tell you, that not really "knowing" is my biggest fear. I made a vow a few years ago that I would not let myself give up because of laziness, I would push through whatever is hard to get to exactly what it is that I want. Although, now I am finding that I don't really know what I want. I find, that somehow, I am spending too much time smelling the roses.

All of this stems from the fact that I am applying for  college courses in the next stage in my life and there is not a school that is the best for the field that I want to be in. This all ties together with the need for materialistic things. There is not a school that is a stand above the rest, that it says, written down by a critic, "This school is the best, and you should make every effort to go here." I think that is what causes my feeling of "unknown." I so very want to be a person that achieves my dreams and does things that are exciting and cool.

I am grateful to myself for getting me to where I am, and I am grateful of the people who cheered me on and congratulated me on my achievements. Now though, I don't want to disappoint myself and all who cheered me, because I, lazily, don't know.


I have a materialistic dream to win an award *cough* Oscar/BAFTA *cough* for Costume Design/Interpretation. I know this is the path for me, because it is the most natural, however picking the school that is right for me is causing doubt in myself.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Is there an easier way that I don't know of? Or am I just worrying to procrastinate?

All I know, is that once I hear back from schools and finish my interviews I will feel better. It's just a case of getting through.




On a side note, I am acting my age! I am going out with my friends to gigs and doing things that are "fun and fancy free!" I am enjoying the moments I spend with the people who I find are important! Plus I may have "fan-girl'd" over some hot new band that I saw last night and then met later.

OH THE MEMORIES!
 (I love how this blog lets me talk through my mental struggles and come up with ideas and ways to sort out my problems.)