My life is lived Selfishly

I live very selfishly and I'm not ashamed of that. I do things everyday with a conscious thought and the benefits it will have to me. I, also like most human beings, want validation. To know that I am interesting and accepted. Because of this selfishness I also want people to like me, to find me interesting and to accept me. Should I really feel like I have to prove to other people that I am worthy of their thought and time? I shouldn't, but I do. It might be because I am a girl and still under the age of adulthood, I hope I never get there to be frank. I selfishly desire to be validated for what I do by my peers, by that, I mean everyone.

And yes, what you are reading is a result of a full day curing a hangover, but still I feel my thoughts are valid and I need them to be validated by something.

-I felt like this year has been is a constant trial.
I feel like I am in the Hunger Games, although if I was I would probably die off in the middle. I have enough self respect to know that I would not be the first to go, but I'm not so cocky as to say I'd win.
-I feel like because of the selfish choices I've made it's validated, for me (a phrase that I now cannot stand, because one of our tutors uses it ALL the time, in a manipulative way) that the school system really does cater to 1 minority. That is a blog post for another time though.
-This year has validated that as much as you may have a plan, you don't. I've changed mine, and will probably change it again.
-This year has let me selfishly choose something or somethings to pursue for the rest of my life, or maybe take a year to think about them.


I am validating my selfishness with this blog post and you are validating my need for validation by reading it. Ah-ha!






Oh, and another thing. Please validate these photos.

Rub it in you face...Just a little.. Sorry

I've been feeling really good lately. It might be the veggies and the diet change, but it is working in my favour. 

This that have been making me feel good:

the amount of energy that I have by taking all the bad things out of my diet.

The clarity of my skin.

The fact that I, now, have a job.

There are very few days left of Uni, and very few days until I get to comeback home. FAMILY TIME.

Snap chat.The amount of doors that are open and possible to walk through in my future.
Dreaming.
Talking to people that I don't normally talk to, and them surprising me.
How my hair is fading after being dyed grey.
I a feeling healthier about my body.
Evan Biddell followed me on Instagram. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.



I am just, really happy.

Converse With Me

Culture. How exactly do you define something that your brain just 'gets' or understands? How do you know what is culture and what is society? Subconsciously your brain understands the difference, it's just knowledge that is unspoken. 

So, upon having my first Cultural Studies class I didn't really learn anything new, but  culture was explained and defined. The class gave me a grasp and understanding about what my brain already knew, the class just put it all into words, instead of just feelings and vibes.

ugh, I am sorry, I just got incredibly bored of this topic.

I find myself getting bored easily lately. I just get in a funk, and I end up getting frustrated and angry with myself because of it.

Side note, seen the new Catching Fire trailer? Looks AMAZING. 

This post makes no sense whatsoever. I'm not sorry though. It's like we just a normal conversation, but you were mute. That makes me sound like a murder or an evil villain.  I will have to come up with a sweet Kick-Ass kind of name for myself.

Bye, before this post gets any weirder and I can get some food...

Where in the world for a Gap year?

Well, my spring break is almost over, like only 3 more days, oh sad. Then it is back to the grind, all the fun stuff is pretty much over. All we have this semester is a Fashion Show to prepare for and a Cultural Studies class. That's pretty much it.

So, because of this I have decided that it is a necessary need to get  job to keep my sanity and to keep my busy. If Spring break is to show for how I use my time, it's a lot of lazy walks and watching a lot of movies and the occasional drawing. I have spent the last 2 days applying for jobs through my college careers centre. The reason behind this, so I can save money for my Bachelors in Costume Design. I have decided that my best option would be to defer for another year. Just so that I can be really sure this is what I actually want to do, and that I will be able to afford it, and not be saddled with massive amounts of debt.


So, for my gap year I have looked into a few options and the one that seems like the most fun, and will make me the most money, is going to Australia for a year to work. I know, it looks like a tough year ahead right? But seriously, the minimum wage is higher, around $14-$15/hour, in Australia and working holiday visas are not too expensive and if I play my cards right I won't have to pay for accommodation. Plus, I could be working in a hotel or on a ranch or a a fruit picker only working about 30-40 hours a week. Life will be SO hard next year. I am in desperate need o f some sunshine and adventure, I thought the outback would be the perfect way to achieve this. I have my entire life ahead of me and I am going to travel and experience the world when I have the freedom to do so! I have the itch to travel again, I've been feeling it ever since I got back from Norway. The actual possibility of me going to Australia in a couple months is very possible.

So, expect to hear more from me as I will be posting more about my endeavours to get to Australia!!!!

Mediums to Swear By.

This is a post that I've been meaning to make for a while. I'm just going to put it out there, as it is a medium in life in which I couldn't breath without.

Music.

My taste in genres, and why, and the artists I absolutely swear by.

If it's at all possible to actually eat music I probably would, most people could probably say the same. It's something that is with me every single day of my life, whether I quote a song, listen to a song and download/purchase (a hard copy, like a CD or Vinyl) a song; music is like a limb in mind. If I was to go a week without music...That is like leaving a person stranded on an island in the middle of ocean. 

"Water, water everywhere and not a single drop to drink." - Coleridge. 

Enough of the dramatics lets just get down to it. Oh! A certain fact you should know, I consider myself a music admirer. I can't actually play an instrument. If my life depended on it I probably would just quote a song or something. 

I am pretty sure the reason I love listening to music so much is because it was played a lot in my childhood, my mum bought a record player a few years ago so that she could play all her vinyl. That was glorious. The Beatles on vinyl is like no other, it's like you're transported to the era and the vibes of the song pour into your ears, and you can just feel exactly what it is that they mean. When I listen to music I listen to it for the vibe it gives me. I get into different vibes at different points of the day and week and month and year and so on. I usually listen to music in the Pop, Rock, Indie, Alternative, Electronic range, as well as listening to classic rock, I can thank my parents for that one. Listening to Meatloaf and CCR on long car rides was typical. "STOP right there! I need to know right now, do you love me?" Belting out lyrics with my mum and brother are some of the best memories I have. Even though my mum and brother have similar tastes, that are a little different then mine, I ventured out into different genres to see what I like. Musical growing up if you will. If I was to describe how I grew up to you through artist you could probably guess the type of music I listen to now. 

It started out with pop music listening to what was playing on the radio; I was really young, like no older then 5. I remember in the 90's listening to Jewel and Alanis Morisette, when female artists were getting more airplay. 

"Kiss Me, beneath the milky twilight..." is now playing around inside my head, even though that song is by a band, but still lead by a female. 

I remember singing along to these songs in the car, young enough to be completely oblivious as to what the meanings were. There was this one period where I was OBSESSED with Shaggy, whenever the song "... She caught me in the Shower. It wasn't me..." Came on I threw the volume up, if I was in the front seat, and sing along as loud as I could. This was probably a defining moment in my life where I realized I wouldn't stay a kid forever. My mum asked me "Do you know what this song is about?" I completely confused meekly replied with a "Yes...?" I think some part of me knew, but being young and naive I didn't really want to say it, or really admit to it. That was a grown up thing, but I wanted to be 'grown up', because that was cool. My mum responded with "What do you 'think' it's about then?" I couldn't actually say it, so I wrote it down on a receipt, because we were in the car. Surprise, surprise, I was in a car. 

Around the same time, give or take a few years this is a stretch, Nsync, the Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Destiny's Child, Pink and many others were making their break through. This is where my obsession with pop music really began. I still have some CD's, the first albums, of those artists. Dancing around to the Spice Girls, Britney Spears and Pink in my bedroom was the best exercise. I listened to pop music for most of my childhood and it wasn't until I got into my teens I started branching out. Trying different genres, there were different phases and I am sure my family can tell you all of them. There was a very small couple months of country, which is one genre I don't really care for, there are a couple classic tunes that everyone knows "You and me go fishin' in the dark, lyin' on our backs and countin' the stars..." I'll let you finish the rest. That genre ended quickly, but it was also influenced by where I lived. We had moved to a different place in the province, mostly a farming place, so country was common, I just couldn't get into it. I did try, not very hard though, it's just not something I can connect in the same way as other genres. It was this point in my life that I started connecting different genres of music with different types of people. If you listened to country music there was usually a polar opposite on an MP3 player. That's right, we enter the digital period of life. People usually had country and rap/hip hop or country and metal. Everyone listened to pop music; it was like air for everyone. It was around this time that I started getting interested in rock music. I started off with more of a pop rock vibe, then got a little deeper and steadily deep until the lines crossed into metal, which was another genre that I couldn't really get into. Bands like Linkin Park, Green Day and My Chemical Romance were popular on my MP3 player. I thought IPods were too ‘mainstream,’ I wanted nothing to do with Apple for a long time. Now look at me: IPhone, IPod (broken and unusable, very sad) and my MacBook Pro. I digress, I am sorry. This started my hobby of finding weird bands on the Internet that very few people have heard. Mostly bands from the UK, this was around the time when I moved again to another town. English bands like One Night Only and the Arctic Monkeys (I found out later that the AM was really popular). This period of my life was split into 3 different genres, the pop music: Pink, Britney, Black Eyed Peas and anything on the radio. Heavier rock music and some classics: Metallica and Disturbed were very popular. Then a genre which I have no explanation for, it was just incredibly niche and weird and I thought it somehow made me stand out, it was Opera metal, the main focus of this was Nightwish. That period stayed with me for a couple months, probably half a year. I then just got really bored of it and had a dramatic adjustment; this was one of those defining moments again. I just really wanted to be girlier, Hello Hormones! This was where you could say the indie really seeped in, more indie rock then anything else. The Pigeon Detectives, A Fine Frenzy, Mother Mother, Animal Collective and the Eels. Music that, parents if you’re reading you probably have no idea who I am talking about. My music library started growing, there was period in recent years that all I listened to was dance music. Calvin Harris, D-Cup, Skrillex (who hasn’t?) and a bunch of random remixes that I can hardly remember. Around that same period I became infatuated with the 70’s and 80’s music, the classics and the one hit wonders. I guess this could be the reason I wanted to know more about 60’s and 70’s rock n’ roll. Bands like the Stones, Zepplin, Meatloaf, CCR, Cream, Queen, Foreigner and there are many more. I think I redeem myself a little bit, but throughout my teen years (they’re almost over, wails) I’ve stuck with listening to indie music. My music library now consists of, what could be classified as, hipster/pop music. 

For all the parents I am sorry, you may not know any of these artists; The Black Keys, Lady Gaga, Bahamas, She & Him, No Doubt, Pink, Birdy, Cave Painting, Regina Spektor, Yeasayer, Robyn, The Fratellis, Beyoncé, the Hares, Die Antwoord, Hellogoodbye, One Direction, General Fiasco, Marina and the Diamonds, Imagine Dragons, Walk the Moon, and AWOLNATION. There are LOADS more that I could list, but this post is already long enough.

I am also going to put out there that rap and hip-hop are just not interesting to me, I know of some artists but it’s the same vibe as country music, just unappealing.

There are also a lot more artists and songs that I am thinking of right now that I could mention and be nostalgic about, but I will leave you with just a surface scratch on my musical skin.

Noway Passport Stamp!

A couple weeks ago my friends and I booked tickets to Norway, one of my really close friends from University lives there, little did I know it would be one of the most challenging experiences of my life.




A little back story, to help you along my ramble, so that you can keep up;

Friend from Norway (Anita); skied since she was 2 (downhill and cross country) and her family has a cabin in the mountains and a house on the side of a mountain. Both of which her parents built themselves. Already I am feeling like "... and what have you done with you're life?"

Friend from Canada (Liisa); Biathlete and has been skiing from a very young age as well, has been to Norway before, used to train for world competitions. She was pretty dang good!!

Me; Cross country skied, maybe 6 times, on a trail. I have been skating since I was 2, I can skate on both figure skates and hockey skates. Haven't really been physically active since last summer.



The night before we left for Norway was an interesting one, I am just going to leave it with, "we tried." After an interesting evening and 4 hours of sleep it was off to the airport. I was quite tired but at the same time I was really excited. Another stamp on my passport! I was excited for what Norway would look like and what the culture would be like.    -    It's a lot like home, in British Columbia. The mountains, they're a bit more roll-y and less big then in BC, but all the people I've met are really kind and lovely human beings. On the drive from Bergen to Voss there were 58 tunnels. Let's just say I got a little dizzy from holding my breath in each tunnel, each one was really long. I think there were about 4 that I could hold my breath the entire way. One thing that surprised me the most was how little wildlife there was. Usually on the drive from Merritt to home you see a bird or a deer or two, I didn't see anything, just people and cars. I then found out later that there are only Moose, or Elk in Norwegian, that roam around and even then there are not that many of them around Voss. The drive from Bergen to Voss took an hour and 20 minutes, it didn't really feel like we left a city or town. It was like driving in the outskirts of Kamloops or from Vernon to Kelowna, houses and towns every where. It also just felt nice to be in a car again, as much as I love the tube, there is something about car rides that I've fallen in love with. My mind wanders and I feel so relaxed.

So, when we get to Anita's house we are greeted by lovely smells. p.s Her parents built the house we stayed in. Already I am impressed, I don't think I know anyone in Canada that has built there own house. Building your home is also the normal thing to do in Voss, most of Anita's friends parents have built there houses, I'm not saying all, but most.  That evening was pretty chill, homemade pizza for dinner and chatting around the living room, it was perfect. The next morning, at 10 am, was a FEAST, traditional Norwegian Sunday breakfast. There is bread that you can put an assortment of different things on like jam, smoked salmon, cheese,  different veggies, liver pate, there were a multitude of different sauces but I can't spell them because they're in Norwegian, but I was stuffed. After breakfast we showered and went out and saw some of Voss and ski resorts. Once we got back from driving around we had dinner at 4. Dinner - I am going to be raving about the food I ate while in Norway - tasted SO GOOD. Sorry Grandma, sorry Mum, the food here is incredible, dinner was meatballs in brown sauce (a delicious thick gravy) with potatoes and mixed veggies. I've had something similar back home, thanks grandma, but not as flavourful and delicious, sorry grandma. Dessert was an absolutely amazing dish, but I couldn't have more then a bite or two because I was allergic to, basically, everything in it. It was whip cream and a little sour cream with fruit and chunks of chocolate. After Dinner one of Anita's little cousins came over to bring her a picture he drew for her. He didn't speak much English but we had fun translating through Anita. At 7 we went Anita's grandparents house and had a pie (in a big pie formation; crust, and the insides, but more like a soufflé with chicken and mushroom, with lots of egg) and "flattened meatballs" from Anita's translation. It was basically like a hamburger with bread instead of a bun. Then dessert, oh MY GOD, flat waffles (mum, like our heart shaped waffle iron at home) with homemade and homegrown raspberry jam, sour cream was supposed to go on them with the jam, but my poor insides were hating me from all the food that I am not supposed to eat, so I just avoided the sour cream. The waffles were still delicious though! They brought back memories of when I was little and went over to my GG's house for crepes that she had made. YUMMY! After a very, very nice evening with Anita's grandparents we left and went home to bed, we had a very packed few days ahead.

Anita's grandma was an absolute hoot! her English was some of the best I've heard, from someone that it's not their first language and didn't take it in school. She was genuinely hilarious.


So, on Monday we left for the hills, literally. We packed up the car with backpacks, food and skis because we were going up to Anita's cabin. The drive out there took about 45 mins and then we had to cross country ski the rest of the way. Looking back, I'm pretty proud of what I had accomplished but while I was doing it, I think I just really disliked the fact that I had 2 sticks growing out of my feet. I am going to leave my half hour 'extreme sport' session with. "I would have rather hiked it."

Going up the mountain in skis has probably been the most physically frustrating thing I've ever done. I am the type of person who likes to see results happen fast, let alone just see results. My expectation of myself is very high and when I perform to less then what I know I should be capable of I get really frustrated. Which was what happened on the mountain. It also didn't help that I was doing something, that someone with more experience would have found easy, adding to the frustration. Once we were up there I took a nap to quell my frustration while Anita and Liisa went and played in the snow and explored. I just needed some quiet 'me' time to put back the ugly frustration/rage monster that appears when things don't go the way I want them to. when they came back i had the cabin all nice and warm, we cooked spaghetti for dinner, which was not as delicious as our other meals, kind of like our meals for the past 3 months. Just really sad. We then spent the evening doing absolutely nothing. We listened to music, sat around and I got a deck of cards and started playing solitaire. I felt like a cat for a few hours, just without a sunbeam and no fur. The next morning we went out and played in the snow for a couple of hours, after our traditional breakfast of course. This is where we trekked to the top of the mountain, I am not kidding you, I was on top of a mountain. Unfortunately don't have any pictures, I don't think my camera would have survived that much snow. we came back down some 2 or 3 hours later to pack and eat before we had to ski back down the mountain. I walked most of the way, I just could not stand having a sore bum for the next couple of days. It was nice though, Anita's grandparents were with me for some of it, they were just checking the supplies in their cabin. So, when we drove back to Anita's house we had dinner when we got back, it was this (what I called it) "Gourmet Macaroni and Cheese." Again, DELICIOUS food. After dinner we drove Anita's brother to his girlfriends house and then we went and drove around a little bit. When we got back it was late and we had Voss to walk around the next day, plus I was leaving for London on Wednesday. Walking around Voss kind of felt like walking around downtown back home, although I think back home is slightly bigger. All the shops were really neat though, they were very different from London and Canada, it was unique! On the way from Voss to Bergen I didn't even attempt to hold m breath through any tunnels, I knew they were all too long. which was fine because I was too busy singing along to the fun party mix CDs. It reminded me of road trips in the summer with my friends. Driving to Vancouver and the Drive-In theater, going camping and the like. We get to the airport and enter the building, I have never in my life seen a security line go out the door of an airport before. HOLY moly It took a while, it wasn't long enough though, I still had an hour and a half to kill before my flight. The airport was fairly small so I wandered in in about half an hour, then got hungry and bought some food, spending he rest of the Norwegian money I had. Sorry Gavin, I was going to bring you back some Kroner but I got hungry. I got back to London and in my flat and had a really restful sleep.


Now I am planning a day trip to Brighton with one of my other school mates! It should be lots of fun!!


I think the hardest part of this break is not having any family around me. The only think I really want to do I share my experience with someone who is close to me, not being able to do that is what is making this year really hard, emotionally. Yes, I have Skype but to take and share an experience with someone is what really makes some place or something really incredible.





I hope you all have a wonderful, chocolate-y Easter!!!

WARNING: rant

This.


This will be a rant. Something that I think you should hear, I am justified in my argument and have enough evidence that what I am about to prove, is right.





As some know, I go to University, well actually a college within a University. I have my spot here at the London College of Fashion because my, and I quote (this was a defining moment in how big my ego is), "Have technical skill that far surpasses most of the applicants to this course." My course; Access to Higher Education: Fashion. Granted it's a foundation course, but that's not the point. My "technical skill" is my sewing ability. Listed:

Countless pajama bottoms.

I have made a few more things, but that's not my point either, it's all just evidence. I trust you to believe me. 

My aggravating point, is that once again- 

Back story. Throughout high school some things were just not allowed to be made in sewing class. I pushed those boundaries to challenge myself, I was successful. Even with my outcomes, most of the time.

My aggravating point: No use of Satin (aka slippery) or Chiffon (aka Silky) fabrics.

I just spent all of high school (AKA 5 years) with that rule!!!

You would think, because it's college that there would be no fabric rules. Wrong. 

(insert "you fail" noise here)

My plan of action: make 2 projects. One for the tutors to keep them happy (aka "real project') , and one that I will actually use for marks. I know I am creating more work for myself, but its college. I am not supposed to sleep and have a social life. Which is actually what has been happening lately. I may have 2 days a week at college and have a place on 3 different courses (I've been accepted to 3 different colleges, more in a different paragraph), but I am all about challenge and doing things well. I am more then capable to make 2 outfits, this is my challenge this term. I have been waiting for this part of the course since we started. I think my anticipation may have injured my skills, we will see in a few weeks.

As for University acceptances: Wimbledon College of Art, Bachelor of Arts in Costume Design. London College of Fashion, Bachelor of Arts in Costume for Performance. Nottingham Trent University, Bachelor of Arts in Costume Design and Making. I applied to 4 courses and got into 3 of them, now I just have to decide. The other course, which I thought I had the best chance, was at Wimbledon as well, in Costume Interpretation, I did not get accepted.

I have a pretty good idea of where I want to go, I just need a little more time to convince myself, this is a pretty big choice. I am also just mentally congratulating myself for getting accepted to these courses. It's a pretty big deal, one of them is probably one of the best colleges for costume.

Until you read again! 

xx